


I See Who You Are

by visionshadows



Series: Her Journey Bright and Pure [16]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: F/M, Families of Choice, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, M/M, Other, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-19
Updated: 2013-07-19
Packaged: 2017-12-20 18:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/890256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visionshadows/pseuds/visionshadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sidney, Mario, and Nathalie talk. Set June 2012, pre-lockout.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I See Who You Are

Sidney stepped onto the ice, taking a deep breath of the chilled air. She loved the smell of a hockey rink. She began to skate slowly around the edges of the rink, just getting herself moving. She sped up, grinning happily as the air whipped against her face. She slowed down, grabbing the stick and puck she’d left on the wall.

Nothing was set up on the ice to really do any puck handling drills. Once a few of the others guys who had stuck around Pittsburgh during the summer showed up, she would set a few things up. Right now though, it was just her and the ice. 

When she finally slowed down, she set her stick back on the wall and grabbed the bottle of water there. 

“You should be wearing a helmet,” said Mario from one of the seats. “Even when no one is around. Especially then.”

Sidney turned to look at him. She hadn’t seen him in a few weeks. While he hadn’t put any distance between them since she had told him the truth, he wasn’t overly enthusiastic when he saw her. It could also be the larger role she was taking with the players association, but she didn't think so.

“Yeah I probably should,” Sidney shrugged and leaned against the wall, looking at him. “Everything okay?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” asked Mario. 

“I am still able to take care of myself. Geno worries too much.”

“He worries because he loves you.”

Sidney sighed and pushed away from the wall, skating in lazy circles. “I know.”

“I read the books Geno gave me,” Mario got up and walked down to the rink and onto the ice. “I’d like to talk to you at some point about it.”

Sidney lifted her head, pursing her lips together. “Okay. When?”

“Tonight? Come over for dinner. Nathalie misses you,” Mario said. He hesitated. “She’d like to talk to you too.”

“She’s not - she doesn’t hate me, right?” asked Sidney softly. Honestly she was a little scared knowing that Nathalie knew and she hadn’t told her. She didn’t know how Nathalie would react anymore then she had Mario. And Nathalie was almost a mom to her.

“Never,” Mario said firmly. He grasped Sidney’s shoulder. “She loves you and so do I.”

“Should I bring anything to dinner?” asked Sidney, reaching up to touch Mario’s hand with her glove. 

“Do you have any of Geno’s pelmeni left?”

Sidney laughed. “I never should have let him bring those over. I might be able to spare a few. He made a lot over the winter.”

“7 o’clock, Sidney,” Mario said as he walked back off the ice. “I think I hear Flower.”

Mario was right and Flower clattered onto the ice a few moments later, wearing his goalie gear and dragging a bag of orange cones. Sidney waved at Mario as he headed back to his office, leaving them alone.

“I thought you were going to set this shit up,” Flower said, sliding the bag over to Sidney. “Get moving, Captain!”

Sidney flipped him off before leaning over to grab the cones. “Just for that, I’m going to spend the whole time scoring on you.”

“You wish,” Flower said before he went over to the goal crease and began to set up the goal. 

Sidney watched him for a moment before she began to set up the cones. Practice was important. They all needed to be in shape for the season, lockout or not. Right now though, she wanted to go home and call Pamela and somehow prepare to talk to Mario about being trans without Geno around to help.

 

Stephanie answered the door, grinning at Sidney before grabbing her in a hug. “Hey loser. When is your sister coming to visit?”

Sidney rolled her eyes, hugging her back. “You never care about me anymore. It’s always Taylor, Taylor, Taylor.”

“I missed you too,” Stephanie said, punching her in the arm. “C’mon. Everyone is waiting for you.”

Sidney swallowed thickly, feeling like she was somehow going to her death even though it was just dinner at the Lemieux’s. She did this every Sunday during most of the season. Except now both Mario and Nathalie knew that she was a woman.

“Sidney,” Nathalie said happily, taking the dish of pelmeni from her and hugging her tightly. “It’s so good to see you, darling.”

“Mom, you’re embarrassing him,” Austin said, pulling up the aluminum foil. “Is this the stuff Geno makes?”

“It is,” Sidney said, hugging Nathalie back happily. She rubbed a hand between Sidney’s shoulder blades soothingly and Sidney relaxed.

“You look good,” Nathalie cupped her chin lightly, staring into Sidney’s eyes before nodding and letting go. “We were worried how you were going to be with Geno leaving so quickly to go to Worlds.”

Sidney made a face. “I can live without him.”

“Yeah, but you’re nicer when he’s around,” Austin chirped up. Nathalie smacked him upside the head and pointed to the living room. “Ow! I’m going, I’m going.”

Nathalie shook her head fondly. “They get more and more mouthy all the time.”

“They are teenagers,” Sidney took the aluminum foil off the dish. “I cooked them already so they really just need to be warmed up.”

“Are you really doing okay?” asked Nathalie gently. 

Sidney nodded. “I am for now. I promise I will say something if I need help.”

Nathalie squeezed her arm. “We’ll talk about it tonight and figure out what you need from us. Mario and I are here to support you.”

Sidney flushed at that, ducking her head as she smiled. “Thank you.”

“Now go set the table,” Nathalie said firmly, taking the dish of pelmeni and putting it in the oven. “Dinner is almost ready.”

Sidney grabbed the silverware and went into the dining room. Setting the table had always been her job since she moved in and the routine of it settled her even more than Nathalie’s words of support. She still had no idea what Mario was going to want to talk about. She really hoped that neither of them asked about sex.

“Geno killed it at Worlds,” Stephanie said from the doorway. “Do you think he’ll sleep with that trophy like you did the Cup?”

“Geno had his chance to sleep with the Cup,” Sidney pointed out. “He thought we were weird for wanting to do it.”

“I would sleep with the Cup,” Stephanie sighed. “You know, if I ever got a chance to play for it.”

Sidney felt guilty at that. She was able to play in the NHL easily because she was biologically male even if she wasn’t actually male. Stephanie would probably never get to because she was biologically female. Hockey was only thing that made her happy she was born male.

“Steph...”

Stephanie waved a hand. “Don’t get all guilty on me. It’s the way of the NHL. Taylor and I are going to light it up in the women’s leagues. We’re totally going to play for Olympic gold.”

“And I’ll be there to cheer you on,” Sidney promised.

“I know, loser,” Stephanie said, holding out her fist. Sidney bumped it lightly. “You miss Geno?”

Sidney smiled a little sadly. “Oh yeah. Phone calls aren’t the same.”

“Skype?” Stephanie suggested. “I know you can use it. You do it with Taylor often enough.”

Sidney flushed. “Geno sets it up for me.”

“Seriously?”

“I’m not so great with technology that’s not a PSP or gaming system,” Sidney said with a shrug. “I’m going to figure it out though. He’s too busy to do much more than call a couple of times a week.”

“Dad even knows how to use Skype and he’s a total idiot.”

“Gee thanks, Steph,” Mario said from the doorway. “Hi Sidney.”

“Hey,” Sidney said as she finished putting the silverware down on the table. 

“Stephanie, go help your mother with dinner,” Mario said. “It’s time to bring the food out.”

“I can help too,” Sidney offered but Mario waved his hand. “You set the table. The kids get the food. Austin is getting you a beer.”

“I’m good,” Sidney said quickly. 

“Just to relax a little,” Mario said gently. “You don’t need to be wound so tightly. It’s just us.”

“It’s weird for me to be around people who know,” Sidney said, fiddling with one of the forks. “The only person it’s ever been easy with is Geno.”

“What?” asked Austin, appearing out of nowhere handing Sidney a beer. “Being gay? Because isn’t it supposed to be easy with the guy you’re dating?”

Sidney’s stomach clenched, taking the beer. Mario looked a little frustrated, but gave Sidney a quick smile. “Not many people know. So it’s still a little weird.”

“You’re weird,” Austin said with a shrug.

“Thanks,” Sidney said, ruffling Austin’s hair as he protested. Everyone else swept into the room, Nathalie and Stephanie with the food, Alexa and Lauren with drinks and baskets of bread. 

Dinner, as always, was a noisy affair. Stephanie and Lauren had only been back home for a short time. Austin had been home a little longer, but Sidney hadn’t made it over for a Sunday dinner in awhile. There was a lot to catch up on and Sidney listened attentively to what each of them wanted to tell her. 

Afterwards, she played video games with Austin and Alexa for a little while until Mario and Nathalie sent them up to bed. Which meant it was time to face the music.

They went on the back deck, far enough away from the kids area of the house for them to not eavesdrop. It wasn’t like the adults didn’t get together to talk without them after dinner most of the time anyway. Lauren was starting to make noises about how she was old enough to join them, but so far Mario and Nathalie had shot her down.

Nathalie was sipping a glass of wine, curled up on one of the lounge chairs. Sidney sat across from her, sitting cross-legged on another chair, another beer in her hand. Mario sat on the beanbag chair that Austin usually claimed, his legs up on the low table. 

“So …” Sidney looked at them both. “What do you want to ask?”

“We both read the books,” Mario started off. “And did some research on our own. I talked to a few people -” he quickly held up his hand before Sidney could protest. “Never using names so don’t worry about that. I’m fairly confident that we both understand what being transsexual means and what goes along with that.”

Nathalie nodded in confirmation, taking over. “What we don’t know is how to apply that to you and what you’re going through. We don’t know your particular situation.”

“Oh.” Sidney chewed on her lip. “Well, I told my father I was a girl when I was five. He didn’t take it well so I didn’t say anything again. I didn’t know what I was until I was about 12 and had health class. I knew what I was after that, but didn’t know what to do. So I played hockey.”

Sidney looked up at Nathalie. “I just pretended a lot. I let people think I was gay or not interested in dating people. It was easier to go with the married to hockey joke then try to explain why I just … couldn’t.”

“Couldn’t what?” asked Nathalie gently.

“Date and everything that goes along with it,” Sidney waved her hand. “I don’t really want to talk about that part.”

“I told Geno I wasn’t interested in knowing about your sex life,” Mario said immediately. “And that stands true. I promise we are never going to ask about that.”

“Thank you,” Sidney said fervently. “I can barely talk about that with Geno and Pamela.”

“If you ever need to talk about it for some reason, I’ll listen,” Nathalie said. “Mario is out of the question for that, but everything else he should be fine with. Maybe not intimate details of transitioning.”

Sidney nodded. “I guess it’s important to know who else knows. Geno obviously. I mean, he’s been great about all of this. Taylor was the first person I told after Pamela. Now you two.”

“You haven’t talked to your parents?” asked Nathalie. “You guys are so close.”

“Not really,” Sidney admitted. “I can’t tell them. Not yet. They only sort of acknowledge Geno as my boyfriend. My dad thinks I’m asking to have my career ruined by dating him. If I tell them about - me.” She took a drink of her beer before finishing. “- I don’t think they’ll talk to me afterwards.”

Neither Mario or Nathalie chimed in with false platitudes. They knew Troy and Trina and while they were good people, they were so focused on Sidney’s career and appearances that it would probably make them sever ties privately. 

“Well, we’ll still be here,” Nathalie said after a moment, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“I suppose I want to know what you feel like,” Mario said, changing the subject. “I mean, when did you know?”

“I always have known as long as I can remember. My skin feels wrong. My whole body is just wrong,” Sidney said quietly. “I look in the mirror and what I see isn’t me. I see a man and that man isn’t how I am in my head. They don’t match up. It’s scary and uncomfortable and I spent a lot of time trying to reconcile the two into one and I gave that up when I was sixteen. So I just live with both. The person the world sees and - me.”

“Geno lets me be me all the time, so it’s both easier and harder now. I can be myself around him, wear what I want, not watch what I say.” Sidney looked at her bare fingernails. “Taylor taught him how to do makeup so he can help me look more female. Even wearing different clothing and makeup helps me feel more settled. But when we leave the house, I have to be male. And having that freedom at home makes going back to being Sidney Crosby hard.”

Sidney looked at them. “That’s what he’s worried about. The disconnect I get when I have to appear male again. He’s usually here to keep me grounded because it’s hard, really hard to hide all the time when I don’t have to anymore. When he pretends with me it’s like a game we play. If we don’t mess up, we win. But now I’m alone and I keep almost messing up and he’s not here to stop me from forgetting to take off my lipstick or put on a different shirt. I have a note on the front door just in case.”

“Oh Sidney,” Nathalie breathed out softly. She got up and wrapped her arms around Sidney tightly. Sidney hugged back, feeling tears prick at her eyes. She’s never said that much to anyone before in one sitting not even Pamela. “I love you, darling.”

A moment later, the lounge Sidney was sitting on dipped and Mario put his arms around the both of them. “We both love you,” Mario said quietly. 

Sidney did start crying at that, silent tears against Nathalie’s shoulder. It was acceptance, pure acceptance for who she was. They weren’t questioning if she knew for sure, they were just taking it at face value and hugging her. 

“Do you need us to remind you?” asked Nathalie, pulling back to look at her. She wiped the tears from Sidney’s cheeks. “Do you want to move back in while Geno’s out of the country?”

“No, but thank you,” Sidney said softly. Mario stayed where he was, dropping his arms, but a warm presence against her side. “I like my home and I’m going to go back to Cole Harbour for awhile. I might … maybe send me a text in the mornings? Like, don’t forget to take off your makeup before leaving the house. At least while I’m still in Pittsburgh. Taylor can handle that at home.”

“We can do that,” Nathalie said, looking at Mario for confirmation. He nodded as well. “One of us will text in the morning.”

“You don’t really have to do anything else,” Sidney promised. “Just I might call. And need to talk. Geno’s hard to get in touch with and Taylor can’t always talk.”

“Of course. Do you want us to call you something different?” asked Nathalie.

Sidney shook her head. “Just Sidney. It’s gender neutral so it will work later too.”

“Are you ...” Mario coughed a little, getting up to sit back on the beanbag chair. “Planning to transition?”

“I go back and forth,” Sidney admitted. “Most likely yes. I want to feel like me all the time.”

“We’ll deal with that when the time comes,” Nathalie promised, brushing back a bit of Sidney’s hair. “You’re family, Sidney. You can count on us.”

Sidney looked at the both of them. Mario and Nathalie were so familiar to her at this point, not quite parents but parental enough that their approval and acceptance helped a lot. She could see that Mario was still uncomfortable, but he was trying really hard to be supportive. And Nathalie was just being Nathalie - loving and kind and ready to roll with the punches. 

Add in Geno and Taylor and it was a really good support system, one she hadn’t expected to have a year ago. Now it was here and it was hers for the taking. And she was going to take it.

**Author's Note:**

> Posting is going to be slowing down from now on. I've only got three more sections that are already completed. My writing time is being taken up by summer canning projects. I actually was hoping to be finished the post-Don't Carry it All section but that is ending up being a lot longer than anticipated so instead I hope you enjoy Sidney, Mario, and Nathalie talking it out.


End file.
